Summary, Predictions, and Review… Star Wars: The Clone Wars
There is going to be another Star Wars movie. That’s right, my brothas, another Star Wars movie. Let me repeat that a third time, just so you understand it completely THERE’S GOING TO BE ANOTHER STAR WARS MOVIE, RELEASED FREAKING THATRICALLY.
Now that that’s out of the way, I can go ahead and tell you that it’s gonna be animated and set between Attack of the Clones (the worst movie of the saga) and Revenge of the Sith (the second worst movie of the saga). So, that sorta just takes all the fun out of it, doesn’t it? Heh.
Slight digression here, but I think you deserve to know my list of favorite SW films:
- Empire Strikes Back
- A New Hope
- Return of the Jedi
- The Phantom Menace
- Revenge of the Sith
- Attack of the Clones
There, done, cool.
So this new film apparently follows Obi-Wan and Anakin as they have been assigned to save Jabba the Hutt’s son–who has been kidnapped (how the hell did that happen. Have you ever seen a Hutt?!) by the Separatists. Obi-wan is tasked with negotiating with Jabba while Anakin is sent off to find Jabba’s son (I mean, seriously, what is he, a larva?)
Meanwhile, there’s this whole scheme thought up by Darth Sidious, the evil guy who ends up destroying the galaxy who is inevitably the one who crafted Jabba’s son being kidnapped.
Yeah, while we’re on the topic of destroying the galaxy, I realized the other day that it was totally Qui-Gon who was overwhelmingly responsible for the Empire being formed. Well, the obvious reason is, of course, the fact that he’s the one who takes Sir Sithsalot (father of Sir Whinesalot) from Tatooine, who ends up becoming Darth Vader and exterminating the Jedi. But not only that, but Qui-Gon is responsible for the transportation of that heathenish gungan, Sir Annoysalot(sa), off of Naboo, and Sir Annoysalot(sa) is the one who moves to give Palpatine, Sidious, emergency powers in Attack of the Clones, allowing him to start a massive galactic war and take the galaxy under his control.
Not only that, but Qui-Gon was the one who trained Obi-Wan, who fails, apparently, at training Sir Sithsalot.
Seriously. Qui-Gon just sucks. He’s also probably responsible for the Special Editions.
Now back to this new movie. So, Sidious says that the Jedi are going to be at war against the Hutts as well as the CIS (confederacy of independent systems). So I figure that Jabba’s son is going to die and the Sith are gonna blame the Jedi and stuff so that they will get Jabba on their side, so that he’ll resent the future Jedi Sir Whinesalot (when he Returns, y’know).
So, we’re going to start off in a ship. Well, we might start off with an opening crawl, but whatever. After the opening crawl we’re gonna be inside a ship. Anakin’s gonna be all emo that he hasn’t been back to Coruscant in so long. He’s gonna be missing Padme and stuff. He may watch something on the Holonet about him being a hero and stuff. Or he may not, y’know.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is nervous, ’cause he has to report to the Jedi council on what shizz has gone down. Anakin may have to report as well. Obi-Wan explains that the trade federation have blockaded some outer-rim world, but he is not sure why. In the middle of his report there is an explosion outside–some CIS Terrorists have blown a ship up or summat.
As everyone’s rushing around, Yoda assigns them their missions. Obi-Wan heads off to Tatooine to negotiate with Jabba while Anakin heads to some other planet to follow their closest lead when it comes to Jabba’s son.
Obi-Wan is sent away for some reason and has to stay with Owen and Beru, Luke’s–sorry, Sir Whinesalot’s– aunt and uncle. Owen quickly grows a grand disdain for Obi-Wan.
Meanwhile, back on some other planet, Anakin finds some droids and meets Assajj Ventress. Now, I never actually watched the original Clone Wars series, but I hear that she’s some bad-ass dark Jedi lady. He’ll cut down the droids and then have to battle her. He’ll lose pretty terribly and will have to retreat, and retreat he does. He finds some person, Charles MacGuffin, who tells him that the planet from the beginning of the film that’s being blockaded by the trade federation is where Jabba’s son is.
With a cheesy transition we go to Coruscant, on which Count Dooku is speaking to his master, Darth Sidious. Darth Sidious says his lines about the Jedi, Hutts, and war. Yay!
On Tatooine, Obi-Wan is now inside jabba’s palace speaking to him. There is a sandstorm and Jabba grants Obi-Wan the privilege of staying at his palace over night until the storm dies down. Obi-Wan accepts the offer.
Anakin is speaking by hologram to the Jedi council, explaining what’s going down with the trade federation planet. They say things like, “So that‘s why they have that blockade there. Disturbing, this is.”
Another scene should go here, but I’m not sure what should happen in it. Maybe Sidious saying that everything’s going according to plan, or him praising Dooku or something.
Now Anakin has a horde of clones with him. They distract the blockade as Anakin heads through to the ground to save Jabba’s son. Jabba’s son is killed. Dooku and Ventress emerge.
Jabba hears the news of his son and orders Obi-Wan killed. Oh snap! He has to fight off the horde of bounty hunters that’s always in the palace there. Oh no!
We intercut between Anakin fighting on the other planet and Obi-Wan defending himself. Oh snap! Boba Fett might be there! I just thought of that.
Anyway, Obi-Wan and Jabba part on bad terms and Anakin is forced to flee.
The End.
This film is gonna be better than the prequels (how could it be worse) but not as good as the originals. It’s not gonna be terrible, but it’s not gonna be the greatest thing ever. Plus, there are just gonna be those it’s not ever going to impress. Overall I’d give it a four out of five.
You can watch the trailer here.
-Timmy
Filed under Reviews | Comment (0)Title, Predictions, and Review… Brisingr.
Alright, so I recently read the first two books in the Inheritance trilogy, or cycle, or whatever, for the very first time. Ever. They were alright, but they both just stick to the standard archetypes and.. do nothing particularly special with them. I also saw the movie, but.. yeah.
So now the third book, Brisingr, is going to come out and I have a few things I would just like to throw out there so that I’m able to say, “I told you so” when everything I say ends up being correct.
Firstly, though, I do want to point out that I totally know this is sort of a rip-off of Explosm.net‘s “Reviews of Movies We Haven’t Seen,” but this is a book and not a movie. So there.
Brief disclaimer: if you haven’t read either of the first two books, this may spoil something or other.
So we start off with Eragon and his cousin Roran (and maybe Arya too) traveling to Helgrind to rescue Katrina, Roran’s future wife (because I don’t know how to spell fiance or fiancee or whatever). They will eventually arrive, after about eighteen chapters of them traveling, at Dras-Leona. Eragon will send a message to the Ra’zac with Roran or someone else who’s expendable. He will then head in himself, getting captured in the process.
Soon thereafter, the Ra’zac’s mounts – their parents – will be at the bottom of Helgrind, while the actual Ra’zac will be at the top with Eragon, Roran, and Katrina (and maybe Arya). Finally, the Ra’zac will tell him to jump off of the top and be fed to their parents at the bottom. At the very last moment, he’ll jump off and then grab onto the bottom of the plank, flipping himself up into the air and onto Saphira’s back. Together, they will then slay the Ra’zac and save Katrina and such.
Much rejoicing.
Roran and Eragon will separate, Roran going back to Surda to help the Varden (the group of degenerates from “Flash Gordon”) and Eragon going back to Ellesméra. After another good long span of traveling, he will, indeed, arrive in Ellesmera and go to see Oromis and Glaedr. While visiting them to finish his training he will as Oromis if it is true that Morzan was his father. His father he is. Amazing. They may talk some more, but then Oromis and Glaedr will die, evaporating into nothingness.
Eragon will stumble away and, perhaps, converse with the ghost of Brom. Probably not, though. He will go and get his new weapon from under the Menoa tree. There may just be parts for a sword, in which case Eragon will have to construct his own sword, which will, undoubtedly, be green.. to match Saphira? No. She’s blue. Saphire.
Anyway, he will go back to help the Varden. They will devise an elaborate scheme that includes disguising themselves as Imperial guys. A guise as guys. Amazing.
Some stuff will happen and then Saphira will be killed. The final dragon egg will hatch for Eragon, producing a green dragon – to match his sword. This dragon will, clearly, be named Emeralda.
And then there’s a fourth book. I promise: after Brisingr comes out and I’ve read it and such, I promise I’ll do another one of these for the fourth book – I’m predicting it will be called Sragon, or Fragon, or Cragon or some other possible typo of dragon.
Oh, and Eragon’s going to accidentally set a village on fire, hence the title.
Elva’s also going to die.
Review:
Brisingr was okay, but it wasn’t the best book ever. It was entirely predictable, and freaking long, at 896 pages. That’s almost 900 pages, man. And 900 pages is almost 1000 pages. And that’s crazy. And then there’s going to be a fourth book. That one better be freaking short, man. Seriously.
Overall, I’d give Brisingr a 2.5 out of 5.
-Timmy
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